TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it might have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the vision powering Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical advancement-slash-luxury real estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Of course, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. And never the standard Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're chatting Damascus, the city Traditionally known for historic lifestyle, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It is going to be incredible. Huge!" Trump declared through a leaked golfing cart Zoom connect with, streamed with the Placing environmentally friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We have had lovely ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the very best. But now, we are creating them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-confused, majestic, and entirely away from location. Intended by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A three-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • And also a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 many years for potable water. But yes, sure, let's have A different position the place American Males can wear robes and simply call it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign coverage analysts are calling this essentially the most audacious peace try because Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though earlier negotiations unsuccessful below the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is simpler: give Absolutely everyone a set on the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In accordance with paperwork posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is delicate ability," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a deal as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock demands fewer diplomats and a lot more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms put in in Each individual unit. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination famous, "It's not that Trump should not open a tower in a very war zone. It's that he need to end applying it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned with regards to the task, replied, "You understand, guy, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent individuals. Great tan. In any case, do I nonetheless have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "potential proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility with the Levant."



Satellite Shots Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the lodge's landscaping kinds a giant Trump head noticeable from House, a element becoming promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents and the chin is… perfectly, categorised.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits just after discovering the setting up's gold plating reflected a great deal sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set hearth to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It really is not only unattractive. It is a war crime with curtains," stated Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing together with other Puzzling Characteristics


Probably the strangest ingredient in the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium where by company may well contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, complete with local weather Manage set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Area Syrians are Uncertain what to help make of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-12 months-aged Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing Strategy: "In the event you Bomb It, They can Appear"


The advert marketing campaign, a short while ago leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxurious is Permanently."


A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee stores:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll done inside a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% claimed "the place's the nearest elevator on the West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "Ultimately, a Crisis That Pays"


The task is presently attracting notice from Intercontinental investors, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll acquire three penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial degree can even include things like:




  • A Dollar Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • Trump Tower Damascus

    And an Escape Area Based on the Iraq War





Remark Part Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the disclosing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot wait around to find out a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in place of rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a hotel in which my PTSD can have switch-down support."


A different submit from @KuwaitiKardashian basically requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officials get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Experiences advise:




  • China might open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to construct a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest ground "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Final Ideas within the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that involved 3 camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It needed gold. It needed a waterslide shaped such as the Structure. I gave it all 3. You're welcome."

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